The Wedding Diaries
Part 8
Dear Wedding Diary,
At this point, I am exactly one week out from the big day, and it all feels a little surreal. I’m having trouble fully comprehending all of the emotions I feel: excitement, butterflies, but also, surprisingly, a little bit sad.
I feel like a part of me may be grieving my singledom. No doubt about it, I still want to marry my fiancè. But after I sign the marriage license, I will never be single again. I’ll always be or have been married. And that’s a little scary.
I’ve heard that’s what some people feel when they become parents for the first time, too. The intense happiness and joy, but also, a sense of grief and sadness… I am grateful I’m not going through that right now—I don’t think I could handle that much emotion in my body at the same time.
Regardless, everything is falling into place. We signed the prenup last week. We’ve discussed how we plan to integrate and mingle our assets. I have my haircut scheduled for today, and I’ve held off on clipping my nails in anticipation for my manicure. My dress is hanging in the closet, and we’ve been practicing our self-choreographed first dance a little bit every day. I did my last run to the store for everything on my packing list this past weekend. All of our activities for the wedding and the weekend leading up to it are planned, booked, and verified. This entire process, I’ve been diligent at spacing out my tasks and completing them early, which has been vital to eliminating stress for the past 8 months.
Despite all of this, my heart hasn’t fully realized that on Thursday, my sister and I will be finalizing our wedding emergency kit and packing it all into a suitcase. On Saturday, I’ll be gathering my friends all into one room (for the first time) for the weekend-long bachelorette party I’ve been planning for months. And next week, I’ll be attending the wedding I’ve been dreaming about since I was ten years old. And in nine days… it’ll just be a memory.
I don’t mean all of this to sound somber at all. But for the first time, when I really sit down to ponder my feelings, I understand why somebody may be a runaway bride. None of my organized planning has prepared me for the unrestful past two nights, laying in bed, staring into the darkness, listening to steady traffic on the road get louder, with a huddle of mish-mashed emotions rolling in my stomach, mixed with a growl of hunger.
In a way, I think because I was so well organized throughout the planning process, most of the planning is done now. Which leaves me with nothing to think or stress out about except my emotions. Maybe if I was rushing around trying to finish everything or DIY projects, I wouldn’t have the energy or time to think about emotions. I still think I’m making the right decision. I know I love my fiancé, and I’m very excited and hopeful about our life together. And frankly, I’d rather be all emotional now, and get married knowing this is what I want to do, despite my fears and sadness, rather than have no time to process my emotions, and then go through some post-single depression where I question whether my marriage was the right choice.
I feel confident that when next week comes around, I’ll walk down the aisle, running purely on adrenaline due to my lack of consistent sleep, knowing that moment will change my life forever.
Anyhow, thanks for making it through my unfiltered thoughts. I suppose, if there was one takeaway from the last few days I’d give brides, it’d be to be prepared for the possibility of unexpected emotions throughout the planning process, and especially right before the wedding. And to give yourself time to process those emotions, knowing it’s okay to feel that way.
